chin up, me

I feel like I have no words to describe how I feel right now.
I guess worn out would be a good way to start.
I don't like it.
I feel like I've been learning so much, and I know that I've ranted and raved about how much I've been learning and how good it's been, it's also hard, and I feel like there's always things coming at me, both physical things and spiritual things. Note: This is not a complaint. I'm just stating where I'm at. :)

I'm really tired. I couldn't sleep last night.
But in the midst of all that, God spoke a lot of sweet things to me today. I spent a lot of time in the prayer room at Daughters, praying and interceding.
He really got my attention. I think that in preparing for outreach, while still in Auckland, my team really put a lot into seeking the heart of God for Cambodia, and what He feels toward things like sex trafficking. We sought to see through His eyes, and to be His hands and feet while we're here. I feel like we were so passionate about seeing the lost be brought back to their Father, and now that we're here...because we have a schedule, and we're at Daughters all day, everyday, it seems so different. And God really called me out on that today. So I've been praying for our hearts to be broken again, for the things that break His heart.

I'm thinking that happened because of our expectations. It seems to be the way humans are. with anything. We all do it. We prepare for something, and don't even realize that the unrealistic expectations and ideals come creeping up without our say. But we don't do much to stop them.
At this moment in time, I feel like everything I ever thought my outreach would look like is exactly opposite. I feel like all my expectations have been crushed completely, and I'm sitting here still wondering what it is I'm here to do. I have been surrendering all of my expectations, all the things that I pictured in my mind, glamourized and ideallized before coming here.
I guess I feel worn out because I've been so discouraged since we started at Daughters.

Don't get me wrong. Jesus is Lord, and He's got this in His hands. It's going somewhere good, and I know that. I do. I know that regardless of what happens, this is a major learning experience for me, and even now, I can see a very drastic change, since being here, in the way that I think and the way that I love. I can see God moulding me and shaping me. It hurts sometimes, but His Spirit is gentle and kind.
I'm hoping and praying that things won't be a struggle the entire time, you know? I want to have fun! I want to have energy! I want to laugh and be silly!
and I also want to build relationships, and grow close to people, and cry with people, and continue to have my heart broken for what breaks God's.

AHH! It all comes back to my expectations. I pray for humility and I am going to continue surrendering each one that I have, and even the ones I don't realize I have, I need to figure out what they are, and give them up too.
I need to focus on the here and now, what's happening. I don't want to look back at this time in my life and wish that I paid more attention. I don't want to leave here with regrets. I want my attitude to change. I want to be active, and effective, and loving, and energetic, and give from a place of blessing. I know that I can be all this with the strength, mercy and love of Christ in my heart, being ministered to me everyday.
I want to shut up and die to myself, and give and give and give. Not of my own strength, but the strength that has been given to me. His love is strong.


So, as you can see, my day was mediocre. Nah, it was a good day, I just feel weary. But chin up, me! Tomorrow brings new adventures!
OH. speaking of new things, Amiee, the woman in charge of the day care stuff at Daughters, called me today and arranged for us to meet tomorrow and talk about things we can start doing there. That is so exciting. I'm looking forward to finally doing something about what I've been envisioning for the daycare center! So... that's something of an adventure to look forward to tomorrow.

WELLLLLL.. that's all for now.

xx janna


P.s. Today I didn't have much to do, so I wrote a story about fruit. How lame. haha.