One step.

So, I'd really like to start being more diligent with blogging (hopefully)… how many times have I said that?! Far too many, for sure. But it's a new day to try again. I'd like to begin Music Mondays, Wednesday Words, and Photo Fridays, at the very least. Today is Wednesday, therefore, I should probably have some words to say… 

Well let me start with a big *SIGH*. The past little while of life has been the toughest and most confusing for me yet. I've come face to face with the somewhat brutal reality that everything I say, as far as what I believe goes, is pretty darn shallow, and I need to do some re-evaluating. I'm so quick to judge, so quick to assume, so quick to point fingers at others when they struggle, lose hope, slip into a direction that doesn't look so good.

I've been a mess. A complete mess, inside, outside, all around. My mind has been so foggy. I'm being honest here, with an internet audience, which is so strange. But I have been so angry, so bitter inside, so weak. Everything means nothing to me, and I so badly crave the joy that could be mine, and I know it could be. So instead of staring at any one of the interior walls of my apartment, I got outside. I didn't run. I haven't for a while. I walked. With music in my ears, and the music was songs of praise, worship, something I haven't been able to bring myself to do for quite sometime now. Bitter taste in my mouth, I decided to sing. I sang, and walked, and I didn't care who heard. I reached the water, the path, I couldn't keep it in. I danced, and let go. I just let go, and I didn't care how silly I looked or how crazy. And I saw a heron. At the very moment I stopped dancing. A heron right in front of me. 

I wrote a post not too long ago about a heron, flying. and how I whispered to him, don't take it for granted, and how I wished I could fly. And how maybe that's what life is for. To be free and to fly.

I heard a voice inside me, that God-voice saying, I want you to fly.  And it seemed, at that moment, that I could leave things behind, those painful, heavy things. I could leave them there, where there were no cars or people or houses, or noises, just Earth-life and silence, and water, and a heron in front of me.

I walked back more full of spirit, more full of something. Something, instead of all this nothing that has been there for so long.

Here is a sort of wordless song-like thing I recorded today -- I think it's a musical version of my day in some way.

Bye for now! x

FOG

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21.

Sunday was my 21st birthday.

A new year:

To be okay with the smallness of me in the vastness of life.

To stop trying so hard to understand, and just accept the mysteries of God, the mysteries of life.

To be open, willing, ready.

To be present and awake.

To feel, to ache, to burden,

And yet relax, laugh, dance silly, take heart.

And for Peace.

A new year for

Barefeet, tea, ferns and flowers.

Big sweaters, jean cut offs.

Joy overwhelming.

Hammocks, dirt roads winding,

Roaming about.

Whimsy and free.

Lately this is me: wishing and waiting, sitting around hoping. Holding onto old ideas, holding on to things that have already happened. But there's something burning inside of me. I want to feel the wind on my cheeks, eat real food, live on rich fertile soil, dig my hands in the ground, to live an organic and quiet life. To be free of the stress and the cares that possessions and needless STUFF offers. I am free as a bird. The world is, 'as they say', my playground. I can go anywhere, do virtually anything!  

But where do I start?

Ideas?

Wait.

"Let all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; Let such as love Your salvation say continually, 'The Lord be magnified!' But I am poor & needy; Yet the Lord thinks upon me. (HE thinks upon ME!!!!) You are my Help and my Deliverer; Do no delay, O my God."  Psalm 40:16&17

The Heron, Flying

A heron flew low over the late afternoon lake right before my eyes today. I breathed in deep as I watched. 'How beautiful', and I put myself into him for a moment, seeing what he sees, feeling feathers float and quiver, slicing air with soft, weightless movements. Strong.
'Be grateful' I whispered to the heron. 'Don't take this for granted.' And then I realized that to him, soaring over crystal waters, it was nothing. Instinct. His place.
It was the observation I made of him. The observation coming from one bound by gravity, and weighty thoughts -- one who cannot fly. And then, I wondered : 'would the heron say the same to me?'
'Be grateful' he would whisper, 'Don't take this for granted.' Because he cannot roam the earth as I do. He cannot love like I do. He cannot create. He cannot make sense. And I'm not seeing his observation but my own -- that he can fly. That his life is for flying, for freedom. And that is something I only wish I could say was my purpose in life.

To be free and to fly.

But maybe it's more doable than I see. Figuratively, for I will never have wings. Not physical wings, no. But maybe of spirit or of heart.
Maybe I am meant to live free and to fly.

Either way, be grateful, I shall do my utmost to be. 'Never take this for granted' will be my aim, my whispered prayer. Life is open-ended. I have no answers, just doors -- opened, closed. I have decisions, hopes, fears, and the physical inability to fly...

x

Sleeves

I cut the sleeves off the shirt. I did it impulsively. I wore it, and felt nothing. It was his, you know, his shirt. And he had been gone for a while. Weeks. I don't know how I did it -- wearing his shirt around like he never existed. He did exist. He was most real, vivid, in that time. And he was really gone. And I walked around the place with his shirt on. Everything was a bit strange that night. I worked at that new place. I enjoyed it, but it all seemed so surreal coming home. Being so alone. I lit candles, and paced around. I washed dishes, and some of the flames burnt out in the meantime, so i lit them again, and dripped wax on the floor. I sat there, staring ahead. He was looking at palm trees, I was sure. I was staring at a couch. How different, the things that we were seeing. On that day, I was very thankful. Thankful, but it really took every bit of strength to smile, to laugh, even to say anything at all. But I made it that day, every day I have survived since. Mornings were tough, getting up and facing that void. When would things change? And yet things were always changing. Always. I was so tired. Maybe tomorrow would be a great day. I hoped. I prayed, mercy.

Songs

Willy Mason - Gotta Keep Walking

Kele Goodwin - Hymns

Richard Buckner - Collusion

Richard Buckner - Witness

Electric Magnolia Co. - The Old Horizon

Chris Bathgate - Serpentine

Bonnie 'Prince' Billie - Lay and Love

First Aid Kit - Our Own Pretty Ways

Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone With You

Horse Feathers - Curs in the Weeds

Bowerbirds - Tuck The Darkness In

Megafaun - Real Slow

Bowerbirds - In The Yard

Seawolf - Middle Distance Runner

monochrome

It's interesting looking back at life, you know, in retrospect. When all the loudness fades, and it's just a few remaining memories. That's what I've been doing, looking back. Wondering how on earth this all came to pass. I won't share details. But I've recently gone through one of the hardest things I've ever had to--to date. I'm also amazed, at the provision of a good good God, and comfort and grace, in all the toughest times. And for people -- friends, family who love me. Where would I be without? Terrifically lost, I'm sure.

I just came back from a trip (Thanks to Cubby and Jes!) It was timely, healing. We went to the ocean. Everything is more clear there. I've started working in a flower shop, again. Learning more. Gaining confidence. It's a blessing through and through. My heart is thankful.

So, chin up, me.

x

like a bed of rest

Last night, as you can see, I posted the 'Satisfied In You' video by The Sing Team from Mars Hill Church. I've been listening to it on repeat since then, and just thinking over the lyrics and making it a prayer from my own heart. I know it's the truth -- I will always be dissatisfied with everything in life -- my job, my situation, my clothes, my house, my spouse, my friends, and especially myself, my image, my body, my haircolour, my eyes, the way my jeans fit. Such petty things. And it's so easy to wonder, if I just change *this* or *that*, dye my hair brown, cut it, see new places, get a new job, a new apartment, be anyone else but myself, maybe then I'll be happy? If I just follow my dream career path, maybe then I'll feel fulfilled...? It's so easy to think in a way opposite to what is THE beneficial and truthful and soul-fulfilling way to think. When the world is fast, and everyone in it is simply looking to survive, to feel, to cope, to be 'happy', to eat, to drink, to breathe, just for today, when everything I do is .. for what? There is only One Place. We're all looking, searching and digging. We keep hoping, circling our fears, and living out of them. Really, we're all poor and powerless. What about trying? Tasting and seeing? That maybe, the Lord really is who He says He is. Not saying it, and living as if He isn't. Living as if He's a liar. That His promise to fill my empty cup, to be a shelter in the storm, to be a God of mercy, to be a God of salvation and of freedom, justice, truth... That's it's not true... The opposite of faith, I believe, is fear. And fear says that my God is NOT who He says He is. That He will NOT keep His promises -- And saying that is really declaring that He is a liar. Saying that God is a liar is taking His Word, His very breath, The Bible, and throwing it ,in it's entirety, in the trash. All of it. That sounds like near Atheism to me... A·the·ism  - noun - the doctrine or belief that there is no God. I shiver. I am tired of being fearful. And I repent of that sin-stress that sticks to my gut and my ribs and won't leave me alone. I let go of it. And, come what may, The LORD is my shepherd, and I want for nothing. He has the wheel. I give up. I give in. He is the One Place. The Source of all things good. All things worth anything. He is the only place I am satisfied. The only way my thirst is quenched. I am satisifed in Him. ( I just wanted to post the lyrics to that song, because they are true, and they are beautiful.) SATISFIED IN YOU I have lost my appetite And a flood is welling up behind my eyes So I eat the tears I cry And if that were not enough They know just the words to cut and tear and prod When they ask me “Whereʼs your God?” Why are you downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? I can remember when you showed your face to me As a deer pants for water, so my soul thirsts for you And when I survey Your splendor, You so faithfully renew Like a bed of rest for my fainting flesh When Iʼm looking at the ground Itʼs an inbred feedback loop that drags me down So itʼs time to lift my brow And remember better days When I loved to worship you and learn your ways Singing sweetest songs of praise Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about your faithfulness Let my pain reveal your glory as my only real rest Let my losses show me all I truly have is you So when Iʼm drowning out at sea And all your breakers and your waves crash down on me Iʼll recall your safety scheme Youʼre the one who made the waves And your Son went out to suffer in my place And to show me that Iʼm safe Why am I down? Why so disturbed? I am satisfied in you creditsfrom Oh! Great Is Our God!, track released 03 April 2012 Written by Brian Eichelberger / E on the Eye Chart (BMI) x

why are you downcast, oh my soul

yes.

x

photo friday

Raining, raining still.

I can hardly see through.

Inside and outside,

It rains.

In my head, and on the streets,

The grass, the treetops, the riverbed;

-

Well, I have been sick as a dog, with a mysterious illness, for which I now have antibiotics and I am beginning to slowly but surely get better.  I haven't been sick for a while, and having so much to do at the moment it wasn't the greatest timing. But I'm so glad to be getting back on my feet. Tomorrow I hope to accomplish most of the things on my dusty to-do list. I am hoping that getting some things done will help to clear my head. I recently quit my job. Don't ask. It was a job that I only planned to do for 3 months. I felt guilty for quitting, so I never did, and tried my best to love it. But after nearly 7 months, I impulsively decided to end it. If you know me well, you know where I worked, and I'm certain you can understand why it was a struggle. There were windows of good times, and moments I didn't mind so much, but those moments were fleeting, and I really didn't enjoy it much. This seems an odd time to quit my job, with a wedding to plan, and huge expenses coming my way, moving to New Zealand and all, but that's me. Impulsive. I thought I was getting better, being more responsible. Putting my petty preferences behind me, so that I could simply do what needed to be done - make money and save money. But, I did it. I quit. Shame on me, I suppose, but there was something so freeing about it, I was even giddy. Now to figure out what to do next. That's the tough part. The part that gets me kicking myself over quitting -- realizing that even when I think I'm less and less naive, I'm not. I'm still quite naive. I want to be and do a great many things. I want to be an artist, a writer, a designer, a freelancer, but I cannot be that right now, and I fool myself every time. Sigh. One day I will learn. One day I'll really get it. But for now, I'm again jobless, and on the wild hunt for work. There's so much bouncing around in my head. Wishing I had all the freedom in the world to create and create and create. But, of course, there's things to be done! Needs to be met! I must be responsible! First things first, however, I need to get well. Get my body functioning normally again, and then I'll know what to do next. Lord, help! 

Well! That's my rant for today! I hope you all have a happy weekend. 

x

Bell Choir Coast

discovered via For Me, For You