birds fly

Sick in bed. It seems like the story of my life so far, since being in Cambodia. I feel like I've hardly stepped foot outside. I know that isn't true. I have, and it's been good. But I've been sick an awful lot, and I'd really like to recover completely, and not have to worry about this any longer.
God has been singing sweet songs over me, speaking things to me that I need to hear. He's encouraged me through His word, through others, and through little things throughout my days here. I've been so discouraged because I still haven't found my place. But my eyes have totally been opened to the fact that I have been building up these ideas of what outreach should look like for me. I've heard story after story of different outreach experiences, and I guess I just picked up on the big miraculous things that happened in other people's experiences. I have subconsciously built up these ideals. I've been expecting to come here, and be someone God can use to bring BIG things to happen. Like miracles, and the transformation of people's lives. I've subconsciously put God in a box. I've forgotten how God can move in the gradual, simple things. He is teaching me to slow down, to love, and to breathe in the simplicity of walking with Christ. Jesus was all about relationship. Sure, he performed miracles; He made the lame walk and the blind see. He raised the dead and healed the sick. And He totally calls us to greater things than these!! But here I am, on my DTS. This is my time, and I have to stop comparing my experience with everyone else's. He has called me to be someone who reaches out in love, and empathy and compassion. He has called me to cry with those who cry and pray with those who ask. He has changed me, my heart. He has shown me a piece of His own, and after experiencing that, I can't help but love on others, and shower them with the same loving-kindness God has poured out on me. God has been speaking such beautiful truths over me...about His grace, the gentleness of His Spirit, the beauty of His name. I have a deeper love and deeper trust in Him than I even knew possible before. If I were to go home right now, I would be taking that with me, which in itself is a gift that I'm so thankful to have experienced. It has been a huge challenge for me, being here. I've been so angry at times, because I feel so useless. I feel like the weak link of my team, bed ridden and practically a zombi. I feel like there is just use in having me here. BUT. no. God has brought me here for a reason. I know that. And I'm just realizing that I need to relax. Let God be God, let Him do what He wants, and use me in whatever way He wills! I have no idea what that looks like, but I trust Him. I trust that He knows what is best for me, and I believe that He can use me, even in my weakness.

SOOOOO the Lord is good to me, and I am recovering. This is my third day at home, sick. And I felt, on Sunday, which was 2 and 1/2 days ago that God was suggesting I stay home for 3 full days, recovering, taking my medicine, sleeping, and getting rid of the bacteria in my body. So, that's what I've been doing, and I'm on day 3! I feel heaps better already. My body is still very weak, but hopefully I can get some strength into me! And I'll be back at Daughters tomorrow. God gives good advice, I reckon ;)

The other day I was feeling awful. I felt sick, I felt discouraged, and I felt like I had absolutely no purpose here. I was in my room, which is like an oven, and needed some "fresh" Phnom Penh air, so I went out to the balcony, and sat there for a while. That verse in Matthew about provision came into mind. Matt 6: 25+26 "...do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?"
This spoke to me HEAPS and was a huge comfort at that point because I felt so stressed out about my purpose here, and what it was I should be or would be doing. I don't know... I guess I just felt pressured to be something big, and I wasn't even sure what that looked like. But I felt like God was just calling me gently to just trust Him, to believe that He will place me where I need to be, and that it's really so simple and shouldn't be a scary thing. He's got me in His hands.
And then as I sat out on the balcony, two little birds came and sat right beside me and sang. They stayed there for a long time. It was just a sweet little moment I'll never forget. Isn't God so sweet? He's so creative.


I've had the song "somewhere over the rainbow" in my head the past few days,
"Birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh why, can't I?"...

well that's all for now.
more later,

xx jan