fine.

"don't worry about me." she said, "i'm fine. just fine."
she turned to walk to the door.

"i do worry." the lady replied. "all night i lie awake."
"and i have no peace of mind, too. i'd like to know that you're alright."

"well, i am, see? i'm here. alive. i'm okay."

"i'm not so sure." said the lady, and they parted ways.

Post War

A young friend of mine--a boy--his mother died and I made him a card as if it were his birthday. He didn't say much. We've seen each other since, but it's been different.
Margy and I haven't been getting along. So strange, she seems so preoccupied, so sure of the life she leads. She seems to know everything and she's leaving me behind.
The other day, Henry and I fought, and we thought we'd made a mistake. The next day I ate nothing and only drank water. I wanted to somehow clean myself inside. I was so tired, and I knew I had missed the mark.

Katie walked by me at work and I wondered what her life was like -- she had two children and she was so young.

On a Tuesday, it was raining and quite cold. I didn't work that day, and stayed in. Henry was driving a long way from where I was, and the rooms in the house were gray. I sat alone and wondered why things felt so strange. And how do I seem okay with things when they feel a certain way, when the truth about things was clear -- nothing was strange at all.
James and Christa had left town. I hardly noticed. Some people make some kind of impression on others, leave a lasting impact. Others simply don't and that's fine. I wondered where I landed in the mix...?

That night ended with a sad, slow song, and a tired kiss. Henry and I slept in seperate rooms again.



I have always kept three clocks in the kitchen : a big black and white one, which hung beside Henry's ink portraits, a smaller wooden clock, and little kitchen timer that sat on the shelf above the stove. They all ticked at different times and to anyone visiting it might be stressful, but to me it was so beautiful and I loved the sound. Henry would sometimes take the battery out of the wooden clock because it was the loudest. I always put it back. We'd never talk about the clocks, but it was a constant and unspoken battle between us.

On Saturday, I didn't eat much. I vacuumed and tried to write song about my friends --  the ones I never speak to anymore, but I couldn't even remember some of their names, which truly saddened me, and I didn't want to leave anyone out, of course. I left the piano and went for a walk instead. Henry was out in the garden planting tulip bulbs at the wrong time of the year. I once told him that my grandpa who died when I was quite young had a green thumb and an impressive garden, and that I remember that fondly about him.
Henry has long since been trying. I do like that about him, but inside, I hate that he can't do it like my grandpa did.
I closed the gate when I returned from my walk and Margy was sitting comfortably on the porch with gin in her glass and lips of pink. I was surprised, of course, to see her there. She rarely came around anymore, so busy all the time.
Henry had left -- gone to the green house in town for some assortment of seeds, and so there we were, just us. It was a little bit windy that day, and Margy was wearing a large brimmed sunhat. It blew off once as we spoke about the distance between here and Germany by plane, and after that she kept one hand on the top of her head, securing her big hat, and on hand swirling the ice in her gin every two minutes or so. I observed her mannerisms more than I listened to what she was saying.
I know she didn't say anything important, and I would laugh at all the wrong times and she would tell me I'm strange.

Last week I fell down the stairs and Henry held me as I cried. I was embarrassed. That was the closest we'd been in months.

Maybe I am strange, but I've always believed that we all are. Maybe to comfort myself.

I was offered a lovely job. Not steady work, but was what I wanted to do. I simply never went. Instead I'm this. I try to love it, especially knowing Henry works so hard. But really, I hate it. And I tell myself, "You're so young. Do something." But I haven't yet. I will.

This girl I know, Maria, she's always been more intellectually minded than me, or she pretends. She's on a flight to the other end, to venture on a grand love affair. She says she found God, but she's lost him, really, turned away. I told her it's her life, of course. But I wanted to slap her in the face. I knew I shouldn't feel that way.

The telephone hadn't rang for nearly two days, and I wondered about Charles' father who was waiting to die and when would we get the call?
I prayed for the family.
I turned on some lamps in my studio. I was just so gray that day. I painted white over a piece I had been working on. I wasn't satisfied and then the telephone rang. Did I have to answer? I could be gone, out of the house, who would know?

Beth and Damien lived far away; it was good to receive a letter from them, I felt so loved then. Beth had that way about her.

Henry mowed the lawn. I looked out the kitchen window and everything out there was well done and very tidy. But I knew he wouldn't empty the grass catch and that I would have to do it, and I thought, "oh, that's fine." But really it angered me. And as I looked out the window, my eyes focused on the glass and I realized how dirty it was.

So I cleaned it.

Tomorrow we'd go to church, and I was glad.

I knew I had to clean all the windows in the house. They were filthy and it was just now that I had noticed, even after all these months of looking through them.
I felt ashamed. I knew it meant more than what it appeared.

I sang a hymn while I emptied the grass catch.

inheritance

That sly river, fear.
it seeps often in
and i curl and cringe and feel it coming strong
first dampness then wetness then
soaking through


how do i find dry land
how do i reach
how do i ...


breathe.
god.


he says, come on
he says, i love you
as you are
right now
i give you land to stand
inheritance,
beloved
outrageously loved
he says, it is this way, because i am this way
i love you because i love you because i love you.
just because that is me.


you can love me, too.
outrageously, beloved.
be thankful and sing.
you have been lifted out.


taste
live it
freedom from the smallness of the life before.
freedom from the strings and ropes and snares.
the river, fear.


take me in. let me go there.
he says.


i will not stop.
i will not go away.
i will not let you go.


my love will fight that river,
build a dam.
it will not touch you.


because i love you
because i love you
because i love you
and my love
casts it away.
outrageously,
my beloved,


he says.

huisje!

    

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you've all had a lovely and memorable time spent with family and friends! I know I have. I have LOVED this month; it's been full of laughter, wine, good ... no, GREAT food, wonderful company and lots of love.

This year I spent New Years at our family cottage with Will and my Mum and Dad. Located on a lake, way up North in the middle of nowhere, it is one of my absolute favourite places on earth. Funny thing though, it isn't insulated or winterized. It was definitely created for Summer use, though my parents, in the bravery and adventure set out a couple years ago to see what it would be like at the cottage in the dead of winter. This year was my first time, and I know it definitely won't be my last! I loved every second -- which is a big deal, because I am not a fan of the winter season. While we were there, my dad worked on insulating the ceiling.

There's no running water. We use water from a well in the nearest town, and to use water for anything other than cooking/drinking/etc., we scoop it from the lake. The only source of heat in the cottage is one wood stove placed in the middle of the cottage. My dad graciously kept it going day in and day out. Will and I were the first in our cottage's history to build a rink on the lake! We ended up making about three rinks. The first try was pretty sad, the ice was really rough and nearly unskateable, the second was a bit better, but when we flooded it, it took nearly the whole time we were there for the water to freeze over. But finally, we curiously shoveled to the left of our first rink, where -- oooh! -- the ice was perfect! on it's own! No flooding necessary! So, Will and I skated til our feet fell off. Will, being a Kiwi, was suprisingly amazing at skating. He got a hockey stick and a puck for Christmas from my brother in law, so he spent a lot of his time at the cottage working on his hockey skills. I'm suprised at his natural ability to at least look like he knows what he's doing...but at the same time, not surprised at all, because Will is just like that -- he's good at things. :)

On New Years Eve, my Mum built a big fire in the pit outside, and my Dad placed reflective insulating boards all around the sitting area, which kept the heat from the fire in. We roasted hotdogs and sang and laughed, and had a lovely time. Later on, keeping ourselves awake, we cooked WAYYYY too many hupjes, we couldn't eat even half of them. Because there aren't any clocks at the cottage and it gets dark so early in the Winter, it feels like 3 in the morning when really it's only 8 pm. A long day of skating and shovelling doesn't help either! We all managed to stay awake, though, for the countdown, hugged and kissed, and wished each other blessings in this fresh new year, and went to bed.

I can't wait to go back! I had a wonderful time.. The best way to start a whole new year.

What's going to happen this year, I wonder... Besides the world coming to an end... Ha!

I wish you all a year FULL of love, and peace, new adventures and new memories made.

xx

My Prayer

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;

I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;

Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;

Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;

Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;

Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:

Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,

Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,

High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,

May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

x

Gladness

I am thankful for:

Will & his hugs.

Warmth on a cold day.

Tea.

Crafts.

Inspiration & ideas.

Kindness.

'Tis The Season

One thing is for sure. This season of my life has been a humbling one. Things haven't gone my way. Things haven't been easy. I've been kicking and screaming for most of it. I've had to face parts of myself that are deeply prideful, fearful, controlling. I've begun to face parts of myself that are prone to hopelessness. The more I live, the more sure I am of my need for a Saviour. It's the things that have become so 'normal' to me, in my life, that are the things that need to change, and which are hindering me from the glorious freedom that is so available to me. I knew this season of my life would be one of learning... But of course, I had my expectations of how that would look, and feel, and what kind of character growth this time of my life would produce. God works in mysterious ways. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD (Isaiah 55:8)


Most of the good things in my life have been, to be completely honest, things handed to me. I am the kind of person who romanticizes life in every way possible. (Being an artist doesn't exactly help in that area of my life.) I create these expectations and ideals for how things are going to happen. I haven't had to fight for much. In a lot of ways that's been a huge blessing to me. But I seem to be learning more and more that this life is a battle. There's always choices to make in the big things and the small that reflect my heart, my fears, my goals, and who it is I'm truly living for. 


I feel as if this season of my life is about surfacing some big things in my heart that I have otherwise been oblivious to. My eyes have been opened a little wider. But the most glorious thing in the midst of all of this, is that the Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in loving-kindness. He's not 'out to get me'. He sweetly and gently convicts me of the poisonous things in my heart, so that He can lead and guide me to change. And not so I can boast, but rather that He may be glorified in my transformation, and so that I, as His daughter, can rejoice in the freedom and release given to me through humbly asking for grace, and in turn receiving an exceeding amount of it.


I am slowly learning to choose my battles. To fight for the things that I must. To fight for the things of God's kingdom. To never settle for less. To strive for God's best, because His best is just so darn good, and to receive grace all the while, because I am nothing in and of myself. I am learning too, what truly matters, and to discern what is worth while. 


The season is not over, but I know that when "spring" comes in my life, I will understand it well. And in the meantime, I WILL BE CONTENT.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. (Philippians 4:12) 
....And those who seek Lord God will not lack any good thing. (Psalm 34:10)


I thank the Lord for the rest He brings, the easy yoke and the light burden that He promises to those who come to Him. 


(P.s. I'm trying to get into the swing of blogging again, so... more soon!!)

Hymns

Quietly, in a place far away, untarnished and sacred, lies the words in her head, so still.
And in the dark, she whispers them to the God she prays to.
And in the dark lies her love, where her heart is kept, sleeping, and dormant.
Hymns of glorious praise, only on our lips, unheard. How do we move on?

Hear me, hear me, hear me.
I know that You do.


  Hymns by Kele Goodwin

Inconstance

It's such a strange and complicated thing, being human and learning to understand all things, even though all things were not designed to ever be fully understood. I feel so inconstant.
I feel like the ocean waves, advancing and then receding, never getting anywhere. And though I relate to these waves, I somehow envy them also. For they have a pattern, a place, a way to exist.
And through all my envy and my relating, and my attempts to understand, to fit, to cope, to move and be moved, I am still-- the world moves fast around me, and I remain so very still, quiet.
That, if nothing else, is constant.

Rain

On a day like today, inside the house and under the covers, in the dull afternoon light I lay still, I lay motionless, waiting for a sound, but there is none--none but the pulsing of my heartbeat in my ears. The rain will fall each day, the roads will flow with sky water and drain into the cracks. It's always warm in bed, with you, and anywhere else seems foreign and unwell. I'd rather be the one who loves and loses, than the one who would never love at all. For love and loss is life -- the extravagance of breathing in and out. In the middle of the day, with no where to be, with no one to know, or to see, with no words to understand; Just the language of your hand upon my hand, your head resting beside mine. It's not the wind that I hear, it's the rain. It comes down on the roof, and in our heads and in our hearts, and we both just lay and wait for what we will do. You are always here, with me.

Nest

                                                       

I have a temporary home. There's a lot in my life that needs to be sorted out -- a few things are up in the air. I am temporarily back with my parents. All, or most, of my belongings are in storage. I've been sleeping in the spare room. I haven't been feeling quite at home, so I made a cozy little nook for myself. I'm just like that.

I am so thankful that my parents are willing to have me stay here for a while, and are so welcoming. It feels good to have a little safe haven while I figure things out.

 

Beautiful

It's now October -- unbelievable. The weather certainly has a mind of its own. One day it's 2 degrees, and then next days it's 30. Well, today was around 30. Even in the shade. It was just lovely. I just love being able to enjoy the vibrancy of fall and the warmth of summer at the same time. I needed some sun. It was overall a pretty glorious day.

x

Today I had an itch to do anything creative. So I chose watercolour as my medium for the day!

I don't use much watercolour, so I'm still kind of learning how it's done. I spent hours just messing around with different colours, and globs and such... I enjoyed it! I used to hate using watercolour paints, but that seems to be changing! 

x