Today has been one of those days again. Another day I had to drag myself out of bed, achy and dreadfully lethargic. I can hardly think straight I feel so tired. The strange thing about this is that I've been getting more than enough sleep. I've been sleeping all the time. Every time I watch a movie, I fall asleep. Every time I lie down, I fall asleep. I've been achy for weeks now, constantly feeling like I'm fighting something off. I'm just so sick of it.
Lately my mind has been going crazy with all these assumptions that I'm dying of some disease. It's getting really bad. I've been researching a whole bunch of different medical sites to try and diagnose myself with something to somehow, in some strange way, put my mind at ease, but it only seems to make things worse. I am so stressed out! I find myself contantly stressing out about what's going on inside my body without my knowing it. It's silly. It really is. I understand that. And I also understand that whatever life hands me, God has more than enough grace for me to take hold of. I know it's true. I just find that the more I think about it, the more I worry. The more I worry, the more desperate I am for answers. The more desperate I am for answers, the more I'm typing ridiculous things into different search engines. It's pathetic and I really need to stop.
I know God has not given my any spirit of fear, and so whatever this is, and wherever I'm getting all this worry and panic from, needs to get lost. I need to focus on life... what's ahead, what I've been given.
I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday because it's pretty clear that something's just not right. But until my appointment I need to stop focussing so much on all these negative things.
HOWEVER! I have decided to stop drinking/eating caffeine. Of course, I've gone ahead and researched my symptoms and a few of them happen to be an overload of caffeine. It does make sense! This is going to be SO hard! Oh man. I am so in love with coffee. I drink wayyyy too much in general... which is only going to make it more difficult. I'm quitting caffeine, cold turkey. I'll let you know how this turns out. To be honest, I'm not excited. at all. I like my coffeeeeee. A lot.
So, farewell to coffee, black tea, CHOCOLATE :( ... hopefully I'll taste your goodness again some day.
Anyway, as far as preparations go for Colorado, EEEK!!! I am running a little low on time here. Panicking just slightly, to be completely honest with you. In fact, yeah. I am very stressed out. Trying not to be, but I am. Let's see here... seeing as today's pretty much over, I have approximately 11 days before Ricky and I had planned to leave. Because everything has been so up in the air for the past 2 months regarding even making the simple decision to go to CO or not, everything has been pushed the last minute. I have a lot to do and very little time to do it.
LORD! HELP ME!
Really though, this the story of my life. I always, without fail, and I mean that, push EVERYTHING to the very last minute. Call it procrastination, call it stupitidy, call it irresponsability... call it what you will. I realize it's not the best way to go about living, but it's worked out for 19 years!! Ha.
You can laugh at me if I end up in Colorado in a month instead of 2 weeks, because that's pretty probable.
I am such a mess.
My apologies for that.
XX
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